Unimast to the Rescue!

A week ago, I finally summoned enough courage to take a gander down yonder under the gauze at TAFKAMRB (see Surgery Day – Part III).  Let me be upfront about this:  it ain’t pretty.  [Sentence censured to protect my sqeamish readers.].  Keeping it all in perspective though, the Frankenstein look is still a heck of a lot prettier than a diseased breast, and I’ll gladly choose the disfigurement any day.  Plus don’t forget I plan to tidy up down the road with some good ol’ plastic surgery.

In the meantime, I might as well have some fun milking a little amusement out of my new normal, so here goes.

1)    Time to update the credo —  When we announced I was pregnant with our last child, we were greeted with enthusiasm and friends cheerily proclaimed “three is the new two.”  Clearly, however, we are overdue in concocting a new aphorism to reflect the times.  Whereas conventional wisdom accepts that more perfect symmetry equates to greater beauty, our society does make allowances in admiring the askew uniqueness of Ellen Barkin’s smile, Kate Gosselin’s previous haircut, and Teri Hatcher’s mismatched eyes.  But why shouldn’t we take the next step and celebrate people with even grosser imperfections?  Let me join the ranks of comely notables Heather Mills, Aron Ralston (from the book Between a Rock and a Hard Place and movie 127 Hours), and Bethany Hamilton (who returned to surfboarding just 1 month after her left arm became a tiger shark’s morning snack) as we proclaim:  Asymmetry is the new symmetry!

2)   Keeping up with the sisters —  Did you know that in ancient Greece the word Amazon was derived as a mazo or without breast?  Furthermore, rumor has it the warrior superwomen routinely removed their right breasts to improve archery skills.  Looks like I have unwittingly qualified myself to join my mythological sistren, if not for the fact that I’m a foot too short.  But this does propose another sport to explore after I fully recover:  archery biathlon!

3)   New career as super-hero —

Faster than a rapidly dividing cancer cell,

More powerful than a heinous disease,

Able to restore sanity with a brisk morning walk,

Look, over on the jogging path!

It’s a Picasso painting!

It’s Julia Child, Shirley Temple Black, Nancy Reagan, Montel Williams, Christina Applegate, Betty Ford, Olivia Newton-John, Lynn Redgrave, Sandra Day O’Connor, or Richard Rountree!  (Yes, all these people had mastectomies.)

It’s Unimast!

Yes, it’s Unimast, lopsided patient from Kaiser Permanente Santa Clara who returned to Palo Alto missing body parts but in full possession of the resilient spirit typical of most mortal women.  Unimast, who can slash away years of malignant growth with a single operation, continues the brave fight against residual uncontrolled cell division and will one day triumph in the name of truth, justice, and the Amazon way.


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